excerpts from Nexus

Falling Baby in Luck

In 1930s Detroit, a man named Joseph Figlock was to become an amazing figure in a young (and apparently, incredibly carless) mother’s life.

As Figlock was walking down the street, the mother’s baby fell from a high window onto Figlock.  The baby’s fall was broken and Figlock and the baby were unharmed.

A year later the selfsame baby fell from the selfsame window, again falling onto Mr. Figlock as he was passing beneath.  Once again, both of them survived the event.

Revenge Killing

In 1883 Henry Ziegland broke off a relationship with his girlfriend who then, out of distress, committed suicide.  The girl’s enraged brother hunted down Ziegland and shot him.  Believing he had killed Ziegland, the brother then took his own life.  In fact, however, Zielgand had not been killed.  The bullet had only grazed his face, lodging into a tree.  It was a narrow escape.

Years later, in 1913, Ziegland decided to cut down the same tree, which still had the bulet in it.  The huge tree seemed so formidable that he decided to blow it up with dynamite.  The explosion propelled the bullet into Ziegland’s head, killing him.

Teacher:  “John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?”  John: “You told me to do it without using tables.”

Beautifully manicured lawns are highly sod after.

A bird does not sing because it has an answer.  A bird sings because it has a song.

What would you get if you crossed a cow with a porcupine?  A steak with a built-in toothpick.

Child:  The wind is like the air, only pushier.

Anxiety is interest paid on trouble before it is due.

Astronomers say the universe is finite, which is a comforting thought for those people who can’t remember where they leave things.

Never take a pill that has more side effects than you have symptoms!

Two Antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.  The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.

A set of car jumper cables walk into a bar.  Bartender says “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”

Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says:  “A beer please, and one for the road.”

Two cannibals are eating a clown.  One says to the other:  “Does this taste funny to you?”

“Doc, I can’t stop singing “The Green, Green Grass of Home.”  “That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.”  “Oh, is it common?”  “Well, It’s Not Unusual!”

An invisible man marries an invisible woman.  The kids were nothing to look at either.

What is “Deja Moo”:  The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn’t find any.

I went to a seafood disco last week …and pulled a mussel. 

Two fish swim into a concrete wall.  One turns to the other and says “Dam!”

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.   A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk.   Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: ‘Hello’
WOMAN: ‘Honey, it’s me.  Are you at the club?’
MAN: ‘Yes’
WOMAN: ‘I am at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat.  It’s only $2,000. Is it OK if I buy it?’
MAN: ‘Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.’
WOMAN: ‘I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new Models. I saw one I really liked.’
MAN: ‘How much?’
WOMAN: ‘ $90,000′
MAN: ‘OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.’
WOMAN: ‘Great! Oh, and one more thing…the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking $980,000′
MAN: ‘Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 80 thousand if it’s really a good deal.’
WOMAN: ‘OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much!’
MAN: ‘Bye! I love you, too.’

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.

He turns and asks: ‘Anyone know who this phone belongs to?

25  HOSPITAL CHART BLOOPERS

(Actual writings from hospital charts)

1. The patient refused autopsy.

2. The patient has no previous history of suicides. Read the rest of this entry »